I am currently enrolled in a seminar at college called “Working with LGBTQI+ Persons”. Two quarters ago I took a class on “Race and Culture”. Both taught by highly intelligent PhD professors and respected in their fields. While I am learning a lot of great information the biggest things that I just realized is I often use a term when talking to someone “I understand…”. This could be followed by something like “how you feel”, “what you are going through “how you get shit on by society” or whatever.
Is this something you find yourself saying a lot?
I had an epiphany…literally an hour ago from an elegant response of one of my weekly posts by a very talented and intelligent, female student who is also married, with two children. Her response got me thinking that I (and you) have NO idea how someone truly feels, what they are truly going through or have gone through, how they were raised, the oppression they face or how they get/got shit on by society. I, and you, may think we know but we don’t.
Look at the many protests that are occurring across the U.S and we (the white people) trying to tell our African American brothers and sisters “I know what you going through and I support you”. Truth breaker, you have no idea what they are going through unless you are black, indigenous or a person of color (BIPOC) and then you may begin to understand the oppression, targeting, and discrimination another person faces. Until then, you can only assume what it is like from what you have seen on T.V. or been told by another person.
Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with not being able to understand someone else’s issues, or being in the same predicament they are in. Your willingness to learn about a person’s life and struggles, and then work to support them with compassion and empathy is a great start. This is why allies are important. Look at the LGBT+ community. You don’t need to be gay, lesbian, bisexual (or any of the sexual/affectionate orientations) to be an effective supporter of someone who is. Just know that you don’t truly understand or know what it is like to be in their shoes.
I look back on many conversations over the past 20 years about being a nudist and when people say (majority women) that “I could never do it, I am not skinny enough, or I have rolls, or I am out of shape, or I have stretch marks, etc.) my response has been to tune of “I understand but no one cares, it is all about you” or “I understand you, but the hell with everyone else, just be you”. However, I don’t really understand what it is like to be raised as a young girl into a woman. I don’t understand how you were raised to think about nudity, or what women should do or how to look, which then effects your thoughts and actions.
I will never fully understand what it is like to grow up in a society that impresses on women that in order to fully fit in and be “beautiful” that you must have a certain look (in shape, attractive in appearance, large breasts, thin waist, etc.) from a very early age in life, starting with the barbies they play with to the cartoons they watch.
Don’t believe me? How many overweight barbies or cartoon girls/women are there? Plenty of overweight men, but the girls are always of a slim size. Also, look at the majority of actors on T.V., in movies, or in magazine ads. Do they fit the “norm” as outlined above? It wasn’t until several years ago that they had normal sized and plus size woman in bra and underwear commercials. So for me to tell a women that I understand what it is like, I have no idea what it is like to grow up in that situation with those hidden pressures. NONE.
On the other hand, this affects men as well. How many underwear or shirtless models have no 6 pack, tan, slicked back hair that make women say “holy shit that guy is sexy”? Probably next to none. How many billboards or cologne models are just the normal everyday Ryan from Spokane WA that has two kids and doesn’t work out? NONE. So, men see growing up and I believe why so many spend a ton of time in the gym. Sure, they want to be in shape for the health benefits, but as a man let’s not bullshit, they want to look good naked or shirtless to attract the women. Another issue for men is their penis size and the size can bring its own set of insecurities. Even talking to other men who have body insecurity issues that are deep seeded, I have no idea what they are going through; however, I can connect on a male to male basis about having a good nudist experience.
Here is what I do know from years and years of being a nudist. I have had the utmost pleasure of meeting (and often becoming friends with) someone of the nicest, most down to earth people that come from all skin tones, body sizes, education and income levels. Whether older or younger, larger or smaller, large or small chested, large or small penises, big butts or no butts, stretch marks or 6 packs, I can say with all honesty I think all of you men and women are beautiful people both inside and out (well with exception to the few assholes I have met along the way both men and women).
In closing, I would ask you to consider the fact that you don’t really understand what a person is going through unless you are in their same exact boat, or one that is very similar. If you aren’t that is ok, and it is cool to be empathetic but just understand, not matter how much they tell you and how much you think you understand, you have no real clue.
Always in your corner,
Ryan
If you are in Spokane Washington, Eastern Washington or Northern Idaho drop in and say hello!