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Mental Health is as Important as your Physical Health

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Living with a Mental Health Concerns

Hi, my name is Ryan and I live with major depressive disorder and anxiety and this is the story of my last 15 years (give or take).

I will focus this blog on depression and will touch on anxiety in a future writing.

Terminology

I don’t use the official term of “mental health illness”. Don’t get me wrong, depression is an illness. According to the American Psychiatric Association, “depression (major depressive disorder) is a common and serious medical illness that negatively affects how you feel, the way you think and how you act.”

However, I don’t like to call it a “mental illness” as the term illness carries along with it a stigma; ultimately, a stigma that drives people away from seeking treatment.  But I will ask you, if you get the flu do you go to the doctor to shorten the illness or do you just stay at home? Most will answer no, I go to the dr. Then why wouldn’t you do this for your mental health?

A stigma that drives people you know away from you. Almost like you are contagious and they can catch depression if you cough around them.

The good news about this illness is that with treatment, medications (if required), and work most people can manage it.

Notice the word “manage” and not “get rid of it”. 

There are various forms of depression and how long and intense they are. Some will only have episodes which it comes and goes. Others, like me, it will never go away and it is something I will face every day, every second I am awake. That is okay, because like you who live with it, I will endure each day and try to make it the best I can.

Understand that I am no licensed mental health professional so the information in this blog is from my personal experience and various information I have taken away from my undergrad classes in developmental psychology and suicide assessment, treatment, and management certification courses. Please seek professional assistance!

This Blog is Two-Fold

Many of you reading this blog will fall into one of the three categories below:

1. Have received a diagnosis of depression, anxiety, or some other form of mental health conditions.
2. Some of you reading this will have the symptoms and not know may have it and struggle each day to live productively.
3. You know you have it and suffer in silence, like I did for 10 years, prior to admitting it.

If you fit in one of the three categories above, congratulations…you are alive, and I am glad you are here to read this.

The goal of this story is (1) tell my story along with things I have leaned and experienced and (2) hope to encourage those suffering to recognize the symptoms and address it. Moreover, address it in a matter that you seek professional help.  

This blog wrongs longer than normal; however, I hope you take the time read it (and re-read as needed) if you are living with a Mental Health concerns.

My Life with Depression and Anxiety

The Onset

There I was, born on….just kidding I will fast forward my life until about the age of 23-24. While serving in the Marine Corps I injured my neck in 1999, my back in 2000, and received several blows to the head (with at least 3-4 concussions I can count in a 3-year period). I was in my early 20’s and this was the beginning of my life with long term residual chronic pain; ultimately, 20 years running at the point of this writing.

In early 2004, the U.S. Dept. of Veterans Affairs sent me to a psychologist for a consult due to my pain and concerns of mental health. While I went, I thought it was the biggest waste of time as I was fine mentally and being extremely strong willed and tough minded, I knew I would push through anything life could throw at me. What I didn’t know, or was told, is that pain can lead to depression and anxiety. According to Harvard Medical School:

“The overlap of anxiety, depression, and pain is particularly evident in chronic and sometimes disabling pain syndromes such as fibromyalgia, irritable bowel syndrome, low back pain, headaches, and nerve pain.”

In hindsight, I probably should have listened and got ahead of this.

One thing I learned from first therapist is that pain and depression are in a constant battle with each other. When your pain is high, your depression will work to get above the pain. Therefore, when it wins, your pain will say “I can do better” and will work to rise above the depression. She told me, if I can one under control the other would follow suit and go down. I laughed, she laughed, and she was spot on. I worked to get my pain levels down and noticed my depression wasn’t as bad.  

Suffering in Silence

As the pain intensified, so did my substance abuse of alcohol and my isolation. I was just fine with not talking to anyone and sitting alone in my own thoughts. It was tiring to talk to people, or put on a front like I cared. The only time I truly cared was when I was about 4 beers into drinking a 12+ pack, then I would loosen up, laugh, and have a great time. This was my go-to for 20 years. Check out my blog on my fight with a substance abuse disorder here.

While this may have been a bandage for life, it was pushing me deeper into a hole; ultimately, to a point where my ladder to climb out of it wasn’t long enough.

This suffering went on for about 8-10 years before I finally tapped out and said I can’t do this any longer. I NEED HELP. I told my VA doc which pretty much gave me meds, asked if I wanted to kill myself, and sent me on my way.

I took the meds alone with no therapy or change in my actions for about 1.5 years. Needless to say, this didn’t work. It didn’t work to the point I was charged with my second DUI in 5 years (the second came while on probation from my first which was surly enough to put me in jail). After the second one came and the threat of hanging out in the Los Angeles County Jail for a month or two, you would have thought that was enough to make me stop. Nope. As a matter of fact, I drank twice as much as I was and still driving. To put it bluntly, I didn’t give a damn where life took me. I was spiraling towards the ground, as if I jumped out of a plane without a parachute.

It wasn’t until after moving out and my second marriage ending that I finally got my head above water just enough to gasp for air and ask for help. I realized I was drowning and needed a hand to pull me up.

Treatment

My go to excuse for not seeking treatment was “I am not talking to someone who isn’t a vet as they don’t know sh*t”. This tactic, along with the stigma of being weak minded, kept me in the suck for over 8 years. Once I knew I needed help, and the VA wasn’t the answer, I opted to use my private insurance and seek a therapist.

However, I didn’t want to bounce therapist to therapist and kept having to talk about my feelings. I skipped that process and asked a guy a work who he saw. I worked with him for about 5 years and he was a grumpy older man, but I witnessed his change over time and I wanted to use who he used!  

So, I sat my first appointment and had butterflies walking to the door. The conversation in my head ranged from “f’k that you are good, get in the damn car” to “about time, lets see what comes of this”. I walked in with my head down so no one would know who I was.

My Doctor came out and called me back. She was a tall, slender women with a Ph.D. so I was skeptical if I would say anything of importance at all. Come to find out, about 10 minutes into a 45-minute session I couldn’t say anything if I wanted to.

I just sat on the couch and wept. Like wept like a baby for most of the entire session. Same think occurred in session two the following week.

Why do I tell you this when I told you I am a Marine Corps vet and mentally tough? Because that act of sobbing was letting out 15 years or more of bad decisions, mistakes, shame, and guilt that I have been carrying silently inside of me.

It wasn’t really until the third week that the work began. I really enjoyed her because she was not only a great listener without judgement, she taught me something each week. It was this education piece that gave me hope, and made me realize that I was like the 14 million other people with depression. I was not alone. Nor was I weak. And damned if I was not uncommon.

Having hope when hope was lost, is a powerful think to get back.

Life Today

Life today is much better than life was prior to treatment. I still have bad days and weeks and I am okay with that. I am okay because I am educated about it. Also, I am okay because I understand that there is sun above the clouds, and eventually they will break free. It can’t remain cloudy forever.

I also learned that a pill alone won’t work. You must take the steps, no matter how painful they can be, to take charge and do the work. Whether it is mediation, walking, resting, talking to a close friend, you can’t rely on a “happy pill” to make you happy. Hell, my pill doesn’t even make me happy. It helps me to manage life on an even playing field. It gives me a better chance than when I forget to take it.

Also, you can’t take the medication (if that is what is best for your situation) and when you feel better quit taking them. Same thing with therapy, you must keep going. If you don’t like your therapist, or find a connection where you can open up, find another. You must form a connection and let out your inner demons to get healing. If not, you are wasting your time.

Trust me, if you stop going you will fight it twice as hard. How do I know? I am living that as we speak. So know I am on to find another therapist.

What Worked for Me

Each person is different so what works for me may not work for you, and vice versa. But here are somethings I found helpful in my 6-year journey since seeking treatment.

• I am open and honest about having depression and anxiety and not ashamed of it. If people don’t like it, I don’t care and don’t need them in my life. However, most people that truly care about you will support you, those that don’t…gotta go.

• I named my depression. His name is “Sucks”. I was to name him so that when he comes I can address it and realize it my mind trying to win a game of staying home, inside, and away from people. If I were you, I would give him/her a name.

• Journaling is a great way to relieve the pressure in your head. I don’t do it as often as I should, but when I do, I close my eyes and just write whatever my hand writes. I have to close my eyes or I focus on what I am writing to make it grammatically correct. Not the intent. Also, when you get done, don’t re-read it. You just put the thoughts in your head. Shred it immediately.

• Get outside in the sun. If you don’t have sun, take Vitamin D to increase your levels. Nature is powerful and some studies are showing nature is more powerful than an anti-depressant.

• Strip down. I have found that when I am afforded the opportunity to live the nudist lifestyle it calms my thoughts and relieves physical and mental stress. While home is good, I have found that being outside in nature, nude is best for me. I am lucky as both local nudist resorts are set in the woods so a win for me. To see my reviews about them check out my Kinaksu Family Nudist Resort and Sun Meadows review blogs. I will be doing another blog on how nudism relieves both my physical and mental stress in the coming weeks.

• Avoid negativity to the greatest extent possible. Whether it is people (including friends and family), the news and social media, the longer you live in it, the more it pulls you down. Negativity sells and breeds depression symptoms as your thoughts control you mind. Your mind controls your body. I rarely watch the news, disabled my Facebook page like 14 months ago, hop on Instagram once a week for a few minutes than delete it off my phone. Also, I scrubbed my IG account of all of those that post stories that get me fired up. This can even be with people that have the same political views as I do. However, I don’t need to be inundated with negative, negative, negative as I will fall into that trap. 

• Be aware of happy imposters. What I mean by that is look around on your social media platforms and see all the people that are “happy” all the time. I would be willing to bet a paycheck that most are suffering from depression and putting on a front. This can make you feel even worse as you try to figure out what you are doing wrong and they are doing right. It can result in jealousy and envy and drive you deeper in the hole. It is like looking at people driving a really nice car, living in an expensive house and traveling all over. Are they really well off and making a lot of money, or hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt and sleep deprived because they are waiting for the foreclosure, repo, and when their card will be maxed out and can’t eat? Don’t fall for the mask.   

• Examine the environment that triggers episodes of depression and strain on your overall mental health and work to eliminate it. Whether this is a relationship, home situation, friends you associate with, or work, you have to avoid putting yourself in a constant state of triggers. Even with therapy and meds/actions, you will struggle to see anything positive. Reflect on paragraph above.

• Stay sober. Drugs and alcohol are a patch but they don’t solve the problem. Matter of fact, alcohol is a depressant itself, so while you may feel better temporarily, it is working against you. Trust me when I tell you, when you stop drinking you will have to face things head on and it can be difficult. I mean, forever you have been using it to hide, but the hiding has to stop to seek a better life. In the end, you will feel much better when you are in control and not the substance.

In Closing

My sincere hope is that this blog inspired some of you to see that living with depression isn’t a death trap. Moreover, having it isn’t a sign of weakness because you feel down all the time. Mental health is vital to the happiness of your life.

Lastly, that you can dump the stigma that having a “mental illness” is bad and people won’t like you or will want to be around you. I have a good number of people that support me both during the good and bad times. And for those that think it is a weakness, well the can go f’k themselves because I didn’t need them in my life anyways. It has reminded me to keep my close friend circle small.

If you are reading this and feeling down, or been having more bad days than good I encourage you to do some research. Here is an article that outlines some of the symptoms that you may be experiencing. I hope you will seek mental health treatment early and seek treatment often.

For those that were like me for 10 years suffering in silence my message is simple. STOP. Depression and anxiety just doesn’t “go away” (or at least for the majority).

Believe me when I tell you, seeking mental health treatment was hands down the best decision I could have ever made for myself: I just wish I had made is sooner.

Muster the internal courage and reach out. I believe in you with all my soul.

My final question I want you to answer: what are you going to do today to make your tomorrow better? Comment below and let me know what you do to feel better, or what you WILL do to feel better soon.

Hope to hang naked in the woods talking about how your mental health is much better because of this blog.

Stay safe, stay sane, stay nude.

Ryan

If you are feeling down and have thoughts of suicide, I ask you to talk to a health care professional immediately. Don’t have that option, please call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255, or if you are a veteran, you can call the Veteran Crisis Line at 1-800-273-8255 and press 1.

P.S. Talking about suicide doesn’t cause suicide, it is just the opposite. Talking about suicide helps prevent the action of taking one’s own life.