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Is it time to quit drinking and maintain it?

2556 days/365 weeks/7 years ago today I stopped drinking alcohol after 20 years of hard consumption. On June 26, 2016 I out of the blue decided instead of stopping at the bar for a couple of beers to stop at the grocery store and pick up a 6 pack of non-alcoholic beer. What I thought would be a day of sobriety, has keep being a day of sobriety this many years later.

This is a longer read, however, I decided I would put 7 lessons that I have learned through my journey so that you, or someone you know, could hopefully benefit from it. So please, share this and gently encourage those that are suffering in silence, or just thinking about stopping drinking can know they aren’t alone and that they can, and will do it.  

The number 1 rule as you read this…you have to figure out what works for you. This is only a 1 person experience, so what I do may not work for you, and what you do may not work for me. These are just what I have learned in my journey. For some other tips, and eductation, check out this article on alcohol.org.

1. Quit drinking for yourself.

A lot of people stop drinking because they are given an ultimatum, or they want to do it for someone else. Whether this is for a partner, or if you get in legal trouble the court tells you that you must remain sober, or you want to do it for your kids, or for whoever else. The problem with this method is that as soon as one of those go away, your drive to stop drinking goes away. For example, you end your relationship with your partner, the court removes its 90/180 day restriction, your kids grow up and become adults…you lose the drive to remain sober, opening the door to having just one.

2. You can’t have just one.

The fatal mistake for alcoholics is the thought that after 30/60/2556 days that they have it under control and can have just one, or a few drinks a week. This will slowly turn into drinking every day. Alcoholics can’t have just one, that is why it is called an addiction.  

So, when the thought creeps in, crush it immediately. And for those that want to invite people to have just one, alcoholics that have one, can’t stop until there isn’t any left, or until they are drunk as shit. We don’t do it on purpose. We don’t know how to social drink. We just drink. We aren’t amateur “chug a beer types”. It isn’t a pride thing if we can out drink you, like it is for you. It is not a game like it is for you.

We drink and get drunk alone, 5-7 nights a week. We don’t need drinking buddies, we are quite contempt to sit alone and drink by ourselves until we pass out on the chair still in our work clothes. If you want to go to a bar at 8 or 9 PM, know we have been drinking for the past 4 hours.

3. Drop your drinking “friends” and find your true support base.

The first thing I did when I quit was to drop my drinking friends and seek out those that truly supported me and my journey. Your drinking friends don’t want to drink alone so they will try to get you to join them in having “just one drink”.  

Did I spend many months alone (or with very few people), yes. Was it worth it, yes. Once I started to go around people again for social gatherings, I found those that respected my decision to stop drinking and fully supported it. Some even asked if it was okay for them to drink around me. Those are the ones that wanted me to win this daily battle. Those are the ones that were in my corner.

You will feel alone and that you are the only one that is going through this and that you have no one to talk to; this is bullshit. There are plenty of people that care about you and want to support you…if is you that is ashamed, embarrassed or feel guilty for the position you are in. STOP. Find your peeps, and no not every “friend” you have is in your support base. Find the small group that cares and lean on them.  

4. Don’t focus on forever, just focus on today.

For years (like 4-5 years) when I knew I needed to quit drinking I didn’t because I was f*cking terrified about living a life that I would never drink again. For 20 years I planned my life around drinking and drank damn near every day; therefore, looking to not drink for 30+ years was, well, scary. It keep me drinking for another day, week, year(s).

For the past 7 years, I have tried to focus solely on winning the day. If you win enough battles, you will eventually win the war. So don’t look out 20 years from now, look at the next 12 hours and just fight to win that.

5. Know your triggers so you can handle them.

We all have triggers that will push the craving level to extreme. Know them so you can prepare for them. For me, it is hot days. Hot days=cold beer. Yard work=cold beer. Periods of high stress=cold beer.

Understanding these, I can pay attention to my thoughts so when the desire shows up I can address it early, before the anxiety of not drinking kicks in. Believe it or not, even after 7 years they still show up, and sometimes it can be for days at a time. It is the result of being an addict.

This goes the same for any addiction whether it be nicotine, food, drink, porn, work, social media…whatever. Once you become addicted, you will stay addicted. However, slow down and just focus on winning the battle.

One thing I do (even if it is against the beliefs of many programs like AA) is carry non-alcoholic beer and whiskey in my house. When the cravings get too intense, or when I simply want to have “a drink”, I can go have one. When I first stopped, I was drinking a 6 pack of NA beer a night for probably the first 3-4 months. Now, I can have a 6 pack of NA beer in my fridge for 3-4 months. This technique isn’t for everyone, however, it is a strategy that you could implement and try it out.

If the thought goes to “f*ck it I will just go have a real one” then find a drink you really like and drink the crap out of it. I picked up drinking a lot of ice tea and Arnold Palmers and I drank it by the gallon on some days. Do what works for you.

And know, there will always be one drinker in the crowd (or online) that will say “drinking NA beer is like drinking decaf coffee what is the purpose”. You can dance around it, or be like me and simply respond with “because I am a recovering alcoholic and I love the taste of alcohol, but I stopped letting it control my life…o and I like decaf coffee too”. Don’t allow drinkers to project their insecurities and alcoholism on you and your journey.

6. Don’t be ashamed, or embarrassed of who you are.

For over a decade I was ashamed and embarrassed about who I was and what I had become. Sure I was the life the party and was very social when I was drinking, however, the endless lifetime of nights drunk comes with many thoughts when you are alone. Sure I made the funny jokes of “I don’t have drinking problem…”, or the ole “I could quit if I wanted to, but no one likes a quitter” to deflect the issue.

I burnt relationships to the ground, got 2 DUI charges in 5 years, and was in a living dark hole of depression and anxiety, and still would put a smile on my face and go about life. This is why people would say “well you don’t have a problem”. People say that because the only know less that 1% of my life.

If you hung out with me for 2 months straight, 24 hours a day, you probably would have said very early one “damn my dude you probably should slow down a bit and seek some help”. This is why you should never EVER F*CKING EVERRRRRR tell someone who is going through, or thinking about stopping something “you don’t have a problem”. You don’t know shit about the 99.978% of their life and their thoughts. While others may think you don’t have a problem, you know you and you know the truth.

Also, stop making excuses for your drinking. Just own it. Once you own it, you can attack it, if not you will really just keep making excuses on why you drink. I did and you do too.

Look, I have zero problems now admitting that I am an alcoholic. I have a substance use disorder. I used and abused alcohol for 20 years. However, that was over 7 years ago now. The difference between then and now, is I can put the words “in recovery” with that title. And you can to.   

If you are struggling with this, check out my previous blog “Me Vs. Me: Winning the Life and Nudist Mindset”

7. Seek therapy.

I will venture out to say most alcoholics are drinking to mask something inside they don’t want to deal with. For me, I knew I needed therapy around 2008, however, my pride and ego (and being a Marine only intensified it) said “suck it buttercup you are fine”. Problem was, I wasn’t fine. I was suffering with depression, anxiety, hypervigilance, and daily residual chronic pain since 1999. I used alcohol as my coping mechanism to stuff it down and have a good time. To relax and enjoy life (or at least that is what I thought). When the pain kicked in, I would drop a Vicodin and drink 12 beers. Then when I realized that I could truly die from that, eventually (not immediately) I just stopped taking pain pills overall and suffered.

Then in 2015, I finally said enough is enough and sought therapy. I didn’t quit drinking right away, hell I was in therapy for about a year before I stopped. I worked through the depression first, still getting hammered each night (not on purpose, remember you can’t have just one…one turns to 9 high content beers=hammered). I formulated a plan to work my way down from 9+ to 1 a night. I got there and I was going to live that way forever until one day I grabbed a 6 pack of NA beer 7 years ago, and just kept going. Going back to the “can’t have just one” I grabbed a 6 pack thinking I had it under control and would drink 1 for the next 6 days. Nope, drank them back-to-back-to back all in an hour and half, by myself, in the middle of the week.

But the key with seeking therapy is that you now have to deal with what you have been suppressing head on. You can’t drown it out. Having a therapist, you like and trust, can help you work through those. Believe me, it not only changed my life, it has been a life saver when it comes to not drinking. Why? Because I have taken aways so many golden nuggets of knowledge that I can lean on and not sit around wondering what/why something is happening. So seek therapy, it will give you a great chance of living a better life.

Conclusion

If I can impart one final thought that I hope really sticks with you it is this: STOP WONDERING/THINKING ABOUT YOUR REPUTATION/THOUGHTS FROM OTHER PEOPLE THAT DON’T F*CKING MATTER IN THE GRAND SCHEME OF YOUR LIFE. You truly only get one life and it is so much better when it is on your terms, no matter what others think or disagree with. Be 100% you.  

In your corner,

Ryan

P.S. I started wearing this black bracelet everyday on my wrist since June 2019 as a gentle reminder. Now you have been reminded. K.F.F.